THE NFL STORY: Week #1

So Barack Obama said "He's a jackass." At first, I thought he was talking about Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, not Kanye West.


THE SCORE:
PHILADELPHIA (1-0) 38
Carolina (0-1) 10
THE STATS: PHL defense 5 interceptions.
THE STORY: Good thing that Philly won by 28 points, because there is probably some wacky playoff tiebreaker that they will need at the end of the season, like "Largest point differential by a visiting team against a conference opponent in the opening week."


THE SCORE:
SAN DIEGO (1-0) 24
Oakland (0-1) 20
THE STATS: SD RB Darren Sproles 9-23-1 TD, 5-43 receiving, 180 yards on 8 kick and punt returns.
THE STORY: I really like the idea of two Monday night games to start the season. But why don't they call this second game what it really is -- Tuesday Morning Football ?


THE SCORE:
Tennessee (0-1) 10
PITTSBURGH (1-0) 13
THE STATS: PIT QB Ben Roethlisberger 33-43-363-2-1 TD, 89.6 rating.
THE STORY: Pittsburgh won with just 36 yards rushing. 36 yards? That means that Pittsburgh moved the ball less than the size of my my backyard.


THE SCORE:
DALLAS (1-0) 34
Tampa Bay (0-1) 21
THE STATS: 0 punts hit the scoreboard.
THE STORY: Nice win for the Cowboys, but there is plenty of time left for them to collapse again.


THE SCORE:
Detroit (0-1) 27
NEW ORLEANS (1-0) 45
THE STATS: NO QB Drew Brees 26-34-358-1-6 TD, 137.0 rating.
THE STORY: Drew Brees threw touchdown passes to everyone on the Saints. I think even the cheerleader caught one.


THE SCORE:
Miami (0-1) 7
ATLANTA (1-0) 19
THE STATS: Atlanta 0 turnovers to Miami's 4.
THE STORY: The Falcon's Matt Ryan threw a touchdown pass to some guy named Ovie Mughelli that was totally overlooked in fantasy drafts, while the Dolphin's Chad Pennington threw one to some guy named Ricky Williams who was also overlooked in most fantasy drafts.


THE SCORE:
NY JETS (1-0) 24
Houston (0-1) 7
THE STATS: NYJ RB Thomas Jones 20-107-2 TD.
THE STORY: Houston RB Steve Slaton (17 yards) is now tied for 55th place among the top rushers in the NFL.


THE SCORE:
DENVER (1-0) 12
Cincinnati (0-1) 7
THE STATS: Teams were nearly even in total yards, Cincinnati 307 to 302 for Denver.
THE STORY: The Broncos and Bengals managed to score just 6 points in the first 59:22, but 13 points in the final :38 seconds.


THE SCORE:
Jacksonville (0-1) 12
INDIANAPOLIS (1-0) 14
THE STATS: IND WR Reggie Wayne 10-162-1 TD.
THE STORY: Johnny Unitas was called "the greatest quarterback ever" by Sports Illustrated after he died. Peyton Manning now has as many regular season (118) and Super Bowl wins (1) as Unitas. Hopefully, Manning won't have to die for SI to call him "the greatest ever".


THE SCORE:
MINNESOTA (1-0) 34
Cleveland (0-1) 20
THE STATS: Minnesota 225 yards rushing.
THE STORY: Brett Favre was a perfect 25-for-180 yards and 3 touchdowns in his hand-offs to Adrian Peterson.


THE SCORE:
Kansas City (0-1) 24
BALTIMORE (1-0) 38
THE STATS: Baltimore 501 total yards to 188.
THE STORY: The Kansas City quarterback, who's name is not Matt Cassell, passed for 16-24-177 yards, 2 TDs, 0 INTs, 116.1 rating. You win a free ticket to next week's game versus Oakland if you know his name (answer below).


THE SCORE:
Washington (0-1) 17
NY GIANTS (1-0) 23
THE STATS: NYG DE Osi Umenyiora 3 tackles, 1 sack, 1 forced fumble, 1 defensive TD.
THE STORY: Umenyiora played for the first time since an injury wiped out his entire 2008 season. The media used the time to learn how to write and pronounce his name.

The Kansas City quarterback is Brodie Croyle.


THE SCORE:
St. Louis (0-1) 0
SEATTLE (1-0) 28
THE STATS: SEA TE John Carlson 6-95-2 TD.
THE STORY: The Rams need only 2 wins to match last year's total. And it is already unclear whether they can get them.


THE SCORE:
SAN FRANCISCO(1-0) 20
Arizona (0-1) 16
THE STATS: Arizona loses in spite of outgaining San Francisco in total yards, 299 to 203.
THE STORY: So what are the stats on a team coming off a Super Bowl loss, starting 0-1, and making it back to the Super Bowl?


THE SCORE:
Chicago (0-1) 15
GREEN BAY (1-0) 21
THE STATS: GB WR Greg Jennings 6-106-1 TD, 2-pt conversion.
THE STORY: Lambeau fans booed when Minnesota highlights were shown at the stadium. Why don't they just close all state offices on November 1st and call it a state holiday when Brett Favre brings the Vikings to Green Bay?


THE SCORE:
Buffalo (0-1) 24
NEW ENGLAND (1-0) 25
THE STATS: New England 2 TDs in final 2:06.
THE STORY: The Jets organization has been fined for failing to put Brett Favre on the injury report last season, in spite of his nursing a torn biceps tendon. What about fining the Patriots for putting Tom Brady on the injury report too often?

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